Indian Parents and Dating 2Welcome to my blog where I document my adventures in life, fashion and travel. In a perfect Indian world, a vichola, or a middle man of sorts, would go to one family they know and see if their child would be interested in marrying the child of another family they know. If they both agree, then the vichola would bring the families together and they would meet, discuss, the girl and the guy would get to meet for a few minutes and then a decision would be made. If they agree, the wedding process begins. If not, back to the drawing board.
From previous questions, the OP is 23 and in college. It's just one of those things. I really, really do not think you should tell your parents though I think this question is very specific to an immigrant experience. I am Chinese-American, and my parents luckily did not especially care what race my boyfriends were although they probably would have been pleased if he had also been Chinese-American, no liebut they definitely had certain expectations about my behavior that are hard to explain to people outside.
I (28M) am dating a beautiful Indian girl (27F). Im not Indian but she keeps hiding me from her family and won't tell them? What are Indian parents like?. I don't think Indian parents are % opposed to the idea of dating but they definitely don't see it in the same way Westerners do. Indian. Dating as an Indian can be summarized in two categorizes. Either you're too old and you should have been married yester.
I think you should approach this as a tactician. Is the amount of trouble you are going to stir up worth whatever change in expectations you hope to achieve? What, specifically, do you hope to gain out of this? For many years I kept huge chunks of my personal life intentionally vague to my parents, and I think this was, for me, hugely beneficial. I think I learned to be tactful about certain things, and got better at ignoring others. I learned to change my expectations, knowing that my parents were who they were.
I will say that moving out greatly improved my relationship with them. When you see each other less often, when you don't feel the daily sense of obligation or guilt-tripping or accusations of cultural betrayal or whatever they heap upon you, it gets better. I feel like I relate to my parents as another adult now, because I am more mature and have gained considerable perspective, and it is frankly the best our relationship has ever been.
But that took time and distance I suspect it might be the case for you as well. Oh, right - thanks, jacalata. In that case, I agree with Sara C.
At 23, you're way waaaay too old to let your parents dictate your dating life. Seriously, people get married at that age. If you don't stand up to them now, this seems likely to turn into a lifetime of them calling the shots. If I were you, I would be doing everything in my power to move out and live with friends for the last year of school. You've been legally an adult for 5 years.
It's the only way I got to live a normal, adult-appropriate life. I know that, in your case, there are underlying cultural issues that I don't know much about, so I'll leave it at that. OP: you have the internet's permission or, at least, some fraction of the Internet to lie to your parents until you're self-sufficient but no longer than that.
But you're not abiding by their rules, you're lying to them. Move out if you can. If you can't, come clean if it won't impact your tuition, and take out a loan to cover your living costs if you need to. When people say 'at 23, you are old enough to do x', what it seems to mean is 'at 23, you are old enough to be able to move into an environment that you control, so you should be able to make your parents agree that since it is possible for you to leave and do x, they should just let you do x and stay in the same comfortable supported position'.
The risk is that the parents will call the bluff and say sure, go ahead and leave. This is why, if he thinks it's at all likely for the parents to respond this way, he should not start openly rebelling unless he's not actually bluffing about leaving and paying his own tuition.
Can't speak for anyone else, but I didn't mean that. On the contrary, I think it's impossible to 'make' anyone agree to anything. I think that 23 is too old to be living under your parents' roof, accepting their financial support, and lying to them. If I were the OP, I would either find a way to move out and support myself for the final year go part-time and work part-time, if I had toor cut back on seeing the girlfriend because yeah, no parent is going to believe you're sleeping at a platonic friend's house 4 nights every week.
At the moment, he's running into trouble because he's having his cake and eating it. Trust me, I can see the attraction, but something's gotta give. It is not unusual for Indian parents to expect to be able to tell their children what to do in many aspects of their lives until their children are 25 or even older.
In India many parents still help arrange their adult children's marriages. When the OP says his parents "won't let" him go out at night, that is not because they are manipulative or he is not mature. It's a cultural difference. I am not from India. I just have lots of first-gen and second-gen Indian friends.
This situation with your parents not wanting you to leave the house may actually prove to be a good test of your relationship.
Is your girlfriend willing to be patient with your situation? If you definitely feel that this woman is someone you want to be with long-term, then you may have to make a choice to move out of your parents' house and start supporting yourself earlier than you had planned to in order to make this relationship work. In my experience it's uncommon for Indian parents to have such a hold on a child post age This way you'll be able to assert your boundaries better, because you'll have more autonomy over your life.
From what I have heard about this sort of thing, this is the plan I recommend for you: a Hide the relationship until you have moved out of the house, have your degree paid for, and are no longer being financially supported by your parents. And seriously, you can't sleep over there as much as you're doing and still hide it. She's going to have to learn to sleep with a teddy bear or something, because all the sleepovers is an obvious red flag.
You don't want to get busted and cut off for this right now, right? This is going to be an exhausting, years-long battle, don't fight it with them until you absolutely have to.
Make sure that you can take care of yourself first, and that your girlfriend is worth that. Good luck. You'll need it. I'm going to drop some wisdom, here. Maybe this will be seen by the mods as "not an answer to the question", but it's something I think about every time these questions come up. And I feel like it might be valuable advice for any young person facing parental disapproval.
Everyone, regardless of race, regardless of class, regardless of what country your parents are from, has to establish their own identity separate from their parents in order to become an adult. You do. You just have to. There is no way to not do this.
Now, for some people -- and it's really hard to know whether you'll be one of those people, until you find yourself in this situation -- doing that is harder than you'd like it to be. I was one of those people, which is why I have a lot of feelings about it, over a decade later. And so you come to a point. The point you're at right now. Your parents disapprove of something about your life, and they are not afraid to do batshit crazy stuff like forbid you from leaving the house in order to erase this thing they don't like about you.
You have two choices here. You can submit to them treating you like a nine year old. This probably sounds like the most attractive option right now, because the stakes aren't all that high and your parents have a degree of control over your life that makes rebellion inconvenient.
And I think for people who never had to face that fundamental disapproval, those people will always see this as the prudent choice. Or you can rip off the bandaid. Let them disapprove.
Dating is an anti-virginity-retention tool, and hence loathed by Indian parents. It opens doors that they would rather tightly lock and have the. I'm the daughter of traditional South Indian, Hindu, Brahmin parents. I'm not While I have never explicitly talked to my parents about dating or. I'm Indian and I have been dating a white girl for about months. How do I deal with my parents who only believe in marrying someone who.
Let them be disappointed. Let them rage, and try to ground you, and throw temper tantrums. You're an adult. There's nothing they can really do to you to keep you from being who you are. And the thing about letting them rage is that, sooner or later, it won't seem so scary to you.
Which will free you up to make the kinds of choices you need to make. Better to watch them throw tantrums over how many nights a week you go out, or your girlfriend's background, and see this behavior for what it is. Now, it's true that your parents might kick you out or stop paying for school. You should definitely weigh all the consequences before you decide the time is right to rip off the bandaid.
Don't throw away a world class education for the sake of seeing your girlfriend that one extra night every week.
If you don't have a couch you could crash on, a loan you could apply for, a job you could get, then maybe the time really isn't right. I was disowned by my parents when I was 19, over something that is really stupid in hindsight it also had to do with my dating life.
It was a really bad time in my life. But it also turned me into the adult I needed to become. And it was worth learning that disappointing your parents isn't the end of the world.
I'm about fall over in my chair and spill my chai on my keyboard when I see that the Indian profile I'm browsing is set up BY a woman's parents. Indian online dating app TrulyMadly's YouTube channel uploaded a video today where they interviewed parents in Mumbai about their views. vain superego dating devdas. Indian parents put their sons on a pedestal since birth, so it is extremely tough for a woman to later change that.
OP you have my permission to go ahead and ignore the answers from people who are not in the least bit familiar with your culture, or have any idea what it's like to be caught in between two very different value sets, yet insist that their experience qualifies them to tell you how to behave. Tell them you're dating a Pakistani girl of a different religion.
They will be so relieved when they find out she's white! No, I'm just joking. When you're ready, you will experience what Sara C. Everyone has their own voice apart from their parents and the whole problem in your question is that yours isn't loud enough yet. Seconding homesickness that it really is hard for many non-Indians to appreciate the cultural dynamics at play.
Biologically I'm a part-Indian, part-German woman who grew up outside of Indian culture both cultures, really. I really didn't know anything about Indian culture at all until university where I was roommates with an Indian woman from my high school.
About five years ago she had an arranged marriage to an Indian man, with whom she completely and mutually fell in love with in the process of the engagement. He also happened to be the oldest son which meant they'd move in with his parents.
Growing Up With Love, The Indian Way
Once the wedding was over, their marriage seemed to nosedive right into a dark period wherein her parents-in-law aggressively exalted their parental authority over them. For the first couple years their marriage suffered tremendously. However she maintained that she was in love with the man they had arranged her with, and she had already started her family with him.
She and I had a single visit after she got married, wherein she confided her struggles and maintained her course of action.
This was followed by radio silence for a few years, with the odd message maybe once a year. Yes, compared to Western standards and through a Western lens we may describe this as dysfunctional, but interwoven in the choices of you and your parents truly is a value system plainly different from that of Western society. There's more than just dysfunction at work here -- there is a clash and blending of cultures on multiple fronts, which leads me to another nugget from my life experience I can share with you I also happen to have a German female cousin who married a Sikh-Indian man her high school sweetie.
You bet his parents reacted adversely to her from the onset, yet several years later my cousin and her beau and their three lovely boys are still here, still managing to navigate his parents.
This Video Shows What Indian Parents Actually Think About Dating
Sure, some things are still powerful points of contention the boys go to church, not the templebut consider this: if you're going to make your own choice about the woman you're going to be with, these are things you need to have a clear understanding about whether she is white or brown anyway. And from my perspective, whether you go traditional or western in choosing a woman to be with, it seems to stand that regardless of whether she's a perfect ethnic fit or not, you will still have to contend with bringing your girlfriend into a strongly traditional family.
So just some food for thought from my perspective. I'd also like to add, do recognize that even though your girlfriend is "white" that doesn't mean she's necessarily lacking a possibly contentious cultural identity of her own.
I know it wasn't easy for my German cousin on both fronts; she was from the proud German branch of the family and also had to maintain her choice of husband to her own relatives. Both women in these stories have my admiration for that. In short, I think your best bet is to definitely wait until you're sure the relationship is serious, that this is the woman you want to marry, and that she is on the same page with you before introducing her to your parents.
If you're truly serious about her, then building your own autonomy and getting out from under your parents' roof will without question make the process of introducing your parents to her go much more smoothly for all parties.
FWIW, I think it's quite an auspicious coincidence you posted this question today, as this morning for the first time in the four years since she marriedI had lunch with my Indian friend. She's a happy mother of two, is still happy with her husband, and has found her power in balanced relation to the respect she has for her in-laws as well as her cultural identity.
In fact we were chatting about the how "white is right" mentality can be almost poisonous to Indian identity, and how Westerners simply do not have all the answers. Even if we can only start seeing each other once or twice a year, I know it's signal she's been figuring things out and that's fine by me.
Good luck, Parh! Nthing keep your head down until you move out. Even people today are still on board with arranged marriages, including myself! A big reason, as Moni Basu from CNN states, is because of the stigmas that are still attached to marrying someone outside of your religion or social class.
Dating is also synonymous to sex in Indian culture, which is a definite no-no. Indian parents see it more as a modernized version of arranged marriage. With dating being such a wide-ranging topic, I want to open up the discussion around dating in our culture including how our generation is going about it and the challenges that go along with it.
Indian parents and dating
Stay tuned next Wednesday as we continue to explore dating, while brown. Get to know someone on an intimate level without even having to leave your house. Sneaking behind your mom and dad's back is the easiest way to date, but it's not always the best. The constant lies, elaborate plans, not to mention it could get exhausting for you and the other person involvedmake it less appealing.
Talk to your mom and dad, open up a conversation that you are not a child anymore, and you are also not living in It might be painful and awkward at first, but at the end of the day, no matter how many crazy rules and traditions your parents impose on you, they love you.
Amneet is a 4th year communications student at Simon Fraser University.Indian Parents and Dating
Born and raised in the city of Surrey, she loves the sound of rain, in fact she listens to rain sounds every night to help her sleep. Her favorite past times include: reading, binge watching Netflix shows and perfecting the art of sarcasm.
You can get to know her more by following her Instagram: amku Skip to main content.
Go on group dates I know this seems so high-school. Date from the comfort of your home This seems like an odd thing to do, but it's actually a lot more common than you think.
Open the conversation with your parents.